|
|
|
DREAMER NEWSLETTER
by Dr. Dana
Spears
New Counseling Practice
I am pleased to announce that I am joining the staff of A New Start Counseling Center in Fayetteville, Georgia. Initially, I will be seeing clients on Mondays only. To make an appointment, call 770-461-9944. It takes several months to complete the process to be an approved provider for an insurance company, so I will not be accepting insurance until spring or summer, but will offer a reduced fee when needed.
Speaking This Spring
I will be speaking this spring at the 22nd annual GHEA Conference in Atlanta, May 2 and 3 at the Georgia International Convention Center. For more information, check their website after Feb. 1, 2008 at www.ghea.org
Also in May, I will be speaking in Nashville at the 2008 MTHEA Curriculum Fair May 16 and 17 at the Tennessee State Fairgrounds. For more information and updates check their website at www.mthea.org
Dreamer Insomnia Most dreamers suffer periods of insomnia due to an over-active brain at bedtime. Children often struggle with periods of fear at night, but many Dreamers simply can’t calm down their thoughts at night. Listening to tapes, journaling, reading, or being read to at bedtime help, but this over-active mind never completely goes away. Many teenage Dreamers report being bombarded by deep philosophical and theological questions just at bedtime. They may wake you up to discuss these overwhelming questions. “Why I can’t feel God?” or “What is death like?” aren’t easy questions to discuss for a tired parent at midnight. This normal Dreamer trait, though frustrating for both child and parent, should not be confused with a manic state as experienced by someone with bi-polar (once called manic-depressive) disorder. A bi-polar person often goes several days without sleeping. He or she may not feel tired, but exhilarated during this manic stage. Bi-polar persons often feel they are at their most creative in the middle of the night. This is very different from the normal Dreamer, who though perhaps a night person, would really like to shut the brain down and go to sleep, but can’t. Encourage your Dreamer child to write down his thoughts and ideas so they can be discussed later. This sometimes frees the Dreamer to sleep. If you feel that your child might be demonstrating manic symptoms, please contact a psychologist or neurologist in your area for an evaluation. This is not a condition that can be diagnosed or treated by a pediatrician or family physician.
Q & A Dr. Spears,
But the night episodes are getting so bad that here it is, 2 and 1/2 hours after bedtime and all of us are still up. I have read your online newsletter from front to back (top to bottom!) as well as your Dreamer or Strong Willed book and this is what I think it happening.
This all started in the spring with a genuine fear; something (perhaps the murders of children in this area) sparked a true fear. However, he never had much of a fear then about going to bed in his room, just that he would wake up in the night and race into our room and want to sleep there the remainder of the night. That wasn't a problem (we made a pallet on the floor) but the past few weeks this is now a nightly occurrence of a screaming tantrum about wanting to start the night out in our room.
We gave in a
couple of night ago and now it is that he thinks he has a right to do this
every night. This is causing more than a little stress on our marriage along
with the lives of our other children. I have friends who tell me that we are
being unreasonable to not let him bunk on the floor beside the bed every night
starting at bedtime because there will come a day when he won't need us and
won't we be sorry that we didn't cherish these times more. I feel so confused.
I'm sure that if
I hadn't lost it (crying, thankfully, and not screaming) that we would STILL
be listening to his screaming. Thankfully we don't have a neighbor on that end
of the house or tonight they would have thought we were beating him by his
screaming.
P. G., Tennessee
Dear P. G., I wouldn't discount this being a real fear. Have you tried reading to him in his bed until he falls asleep? Mine always liked turning off the lights and having me tell them a story I made up. They'd always be asleep before the story ended, so I never had to come up with an ending. My teen Dreamer now listens to books on tape to fall asleep. Her mind has to have something to think about or the scary thoughts creep in. And she begins to be afraid of being afraid. It creates true panic. If you get angry that Dreamers don't see that God is with them, they feel guilt and shame about their spiritual condition. This can cause them to fear they aren't Christians. Fear upon fear. Pray with and for him. Read to him and tell him stories. Then gradually start using a CD player instead, with stories on CD. If he gets scared in the night after he's gone to sleep, let him camp outside your door. This is about the age when a lot of children have these fears. Try to give him a way to deal with his fear if he wakes up without disturbing your sleep (like camping outside your door instead of by your bed). This is a slow process. You won't get instant change. Just because he manipulates to get what he wants doesn't mean the fear isn't real. In fact, a lot of manipulation may indicate how frightened he is. Your patience will be rewarded. God Bless, Dana Spears, Ph.D.
FALL 2007 DREAMER NEWSLETTER by Dr. Dana Spears
Why I Speak Where I Speak
Many of you have expressed an interest in having me speak at your church, retreat, school, or homeschool conference. You are the ones who can start that ball rolling. Though I do some marketing, nothing is as effective as you asking your group to invite me, because self-promotion is never as good as good old word of mouth.
I am happy to send CD’s or DVD’s to selection committees and church or school staff. But what ultimately makes things happen is what you say….your personal stories about how my books or speaking have ministered to you. If you want people in your community to know more about Dreamers and God’s other unique children, don’t hesitate to ask. If God wants me there, He'll make it happen.
Telephone Consultations
I am not in private practice as a Counselor these days. I spend most of my time teaching my children and writing. But I am available on Tuesdays to do telephone consultations. These are by advanced appointment only. For more information, email me at danaspears@springmail.com
Q & A
Dear Dr. Spears:
My husband and I have an 11 year old daughter who is an introverted dreamer. We began homeschooling her last year. I have the book "Strong Willed Child or Dreamer?" and have so appreciated it. We tried all the tactics advised for strong willed children with bad results until I read your book and recognized my daughter in it!
I, as her mother, am feeling at my wit's end as to how to deal with her attitude. She is rude and lashes out whenever we do math together, doesn't like to be directly taught, doesn't want to get up in the morning, is very quick to take offense whenever someone says something she doesn't like and is slow to forgive. It is affecting her friendships as well as our homeschool environment (I also homeschool her older brother). It has made me seriously consider getting a part-time job to send her to a private school next year so that at least my son would have a more peaceful environment in which to learn and do his work. We are very concerned about her character.
She has had problems in the past with lying and being "sneaky". She acknowledges this and has tried to improve, but I know it's still a strong temptation for her. Dealing with her has become a daily struggle for all of us. I try not to "dominate" her, knowing how it doesn't work with kids like her, but it seems NOTHING helps. Taking away privileges, restricting her from activities she doesn't like, extra chores...nothing. I try to show her and tell her regularly that we love her no mater what, but that the behavior and attitude are unacceptable and need to change. She seems to have very little control over her emotions, though it has improved some.
I could go on for pages, but you get the picture. Things were not any better when she went to school, other than that she was home less and so her behavior affected her brother and myself less. At least I do get some positive time with her now that she's home. When she went to school, she was crabby in the morning and crabby every afternoon and evening, and that was all we saw of her was this very crabby child. We love her dearly but don't want her to grow up thinking this is how she can behave. Of course we don't try to let her think or act that way, but it feels very much to me like she is just not getting it at all.
I did read the article in your newsletter about pre-teen dreamers and that helped some. Is it typical of introverted dreamers to struggle this way? Is my daughter extreme, or normal considering her cognitive style?
If it matters as far as your thoughts on this, we are Christian parents bringing our kids up to know the Lord and are active in our church. She likes to be there.
Any help, advice, and/or suggestions would be much appreciated!
Sincerely, SOS Mom
Dear SOS Mom, Her behavior sounds fairly typical. They think that you won't like them if you know the truth, which leads to a lot of sneaky behavior. It sometimes
helps to use a math tutor. They don't like math, so having someone else deal
with that can be helpful. The approach need to be relational (with a tutor she
likes) not repetitive (like Kumon and other programs). I would not advise putting her back in school at this age. The other kids can be so cruel until about age 16 or older. Try a super positive approach, not restrictions. Go gaga over every little success. You may be surprised how well this motivates. I hope that helps. I am available for telephone consultations on Tuesdays if you need more assistance. God bless, Dana Spears, Ph.D., L.P.C.
Dr. Spears,
I have read your online newsletter from front to back (top to bottom!) as well as your Dreamer or Strong Willed book and this is what I think it happening. This all started in the spring with a genuine fear; something (perhaps the murders of a few children in this area) sparked a true fear in our son. However, he never had much of a fear then about going to bed in his room, just that he would wake up in the night and race into our room and want to sleep there the remainder of the night. That wasn't a problem (we made a pallet on the floor) but the past few weeks this is now a nightly occurrence of a screaming tantrum about wanting to start the night out in our room.
We gave in a
couple of night ago and now it is that he thinks he has a right to do this
every night. This is causing more than a little stress on our marriage along
with the lives of our other 2 children, neither of which could sleep tonight
so far with all the screaming going on. I have friends who tell me that we are
being unreasonable to not let him bunk on the floor beside the bed every night
starting at bedtime because there will come a day when he won't need us and
won't we be sorry that we didn't cherish these times more. I feel so confused.
Dear Sleepless Family, I wouldn't discount this being a real fear. It is unusual though since he shares a room with an older boy (which usually gives the security needed). Is the 13 year old going to bed later? Have you tried reading to him in his bed until he falls asleep? Mine always liked turning off the lights and having me tell them a story I made up. They'd always be asleep before the story ended, so I never had to come up with an ending. My teen dreamer now listens to books on tape to fall asleep. The Dreamer mind has to have something to think about or the scary thoughts creep in. And they begin to be afraid of being afraid. It creates true panic. If you get angry that they don't see that God is with them, they feel guilt and shame about their spiritual condition. This can cause them to fear they aren't Christians. Fear upon fear. Pray with and for him. Read to him and tell him stories. Then gradually start using a CD player instead, with stories on CD. If he gets scared in the night after he's gone to sleep, let him camp outside your door. This is about the age when a lot of children have these fears. They sometimes think the teen brother sleeps too hard and won't help them if something happens. Try to give him a way to deal with his fear if he wakes up without disturbing your sleep (like camping outside your door instead of by your bed). This is a slow process. You won't get instant change. Just because he manipulates to get what he wants doesn't mean the fear isn't real. In fact, a lot of manipulation may indicate how frightened he is. My dreamer
daughter doesn't need as much sleep as my other children. Add that to her
imagination and we go through sleep disruption every few months. She stays on
her own now, but she complains about not being able to sleep frequently. This
can be a life-long issue, so encourage him to find ways to cope. It can be
more difficult when he shares a room. Be sure his brother isn't snoring or
anything that would wake him up in the night. If the problem is only going to
sleep, try the things I've suggested. Dana Spears, Ph.D., L.P.C.
Questions? Send them to danaspears@springmail.com
SPRING/SUMMER 2007 DREAMER NEWSLETTER by Dr. Dana Spears
News...
All Dreamer Resources materials are now available online on the "Where to Buy the Books" page of this website.
The Finding Your Career Path seminar has been a smashing success. This 3-hour seminar is conducted for youth as a group. In the seminar we explore natural gifts, spiritual gifts, and career planning. The cost for the seminar including all materials is only $20 per student plus travel costs. Churches, schools, home school groups, and youth groups who wish to schedule a seminar should contact Dr. Dana Spears at danaspears@springmail.com
Harassment of Dreamers in School
This summer I heard some new stories about Dreamer students who were harassed in middle school. One boy told me, "I would have killed myself, but I didn't want to leave my little brother alone." This common experience of harassment is much more harmful than many parents believe. It can leave scars that can last a lifetime.
So what can a parent do? Here are a few important steps to take:
1. Never blame the victim. In trying to help their children develop coping strategies, many parents come across as blaming their children instead of the bullies.
2. Hold the school accountable. School can only do so much, but they should do everything that is within their legal authority to prevent bullying. The school can't assist your family if they aren't informed. Many students fear it will get worse if the teachers get involved. Usually that is not the case. However, should the school be unable to help or even refuse to help, remove the child from that school immediately.
3. Get the child into a positive peer group. Find a place where your child is not an outcast, be it a church, club, community theater, choir, or orchestra. Immerse the child in that group.
4. Consider home schooling. A break from the harassment, even for a year, can be very healing. Some families who were unable to home school a student themselves have been able to find a teacher who takes a few students in her home.
Summer Stock
This year my children participated in a wonderful summer theatrical experience with The Twilight Theatre in Peachtree City, Georgia. That group produced the school version of Les Miserables. All my children enjoyed it, but was especially wonderful for my Dreamer teenager.
First, the theater allowed her to try her hand at costume designing. Summer is a good time to do intensive internship experiences like this. Of course, I had to promise to make sure it happened. There were some tough days, but there were also many good mother-daughter memories.
Second, the creative focus was shared by so many. Dreamers can often feel that they are alone in the world and weird beyond belief. In this group, they discovered common interests. At the cast party after the show, several older teens went over to the piano and started playing and singing show tunes. I kept thinking, "Boy, is this an unusual teen party!"
Finally, the shared interests helps a Dreamer find those desperately needed kindred spirits. My daughter soon was meeting other teens from this group at the movies, something that usually doesn't happen for her unless she organizes it. Though there were a couple of divas to contend with, generally the peer group was very positive.
Not every creative experience has an equally positive outcome. Parental involvement ensures that you know what is going on. It allows you to discuss issues as they come up. Doing a play is intense and demanding, but then it's over after a couple of months. Similar positive summer experiences can occur at camps with teens of similar values and interests.
The advantage of summer stock or similar local experiences is that parents can be there to help Dreamers get over the rough spots. Not every camp counselor understands Dreamers. Nor is every camp one that promotes your family's values. But if you as a parent do your homework, you can help make summer a time to help Dreamer teens who may feel lonely get connected whether at camp or in your community.
Questions? Stories to Share?
Email Dr. Spears at:
WINTER 2007 DREAMER NEWSLETTER By Dr. Dana Spears
News...
The DVD on Learning Styles is now available by clicking the "Where to buy" link. Special thanks to the home school group at Lilburn Alliance Church who hosted the filming!
A new seminar is available for youth groups and Christian high schools. "Finding Your Career Path" is a 3-hour seminar for teens. Youth will discover their natural and spiritual gifts, and learn how to avoid making poor career choices that lead to burn-out. The cost is $20 per student plus Dr. Spears' travel expenses with a minimum enrollment of 20 students in the Atlanta area and 40 students outside the Atlanta area. This seminar was piloted at Konos Academy in Fayetteville, Georgia. Although this seminar meets the needs of all types of students, Dreamers and their parents will find it particularly helpful.
I will be speaking on "The Gifted Woman" for the women's retreat of East Cobb Presbyterian Church this month in the mountains of north Georgia. This retreat also focuses on natural and spiritual gifts. The retreat format is one of my personal favorites.
I will be speaking on "Learning Styles" at the NET home school group in Peachtree City, Georgia in March and in Savannah, Georgia in April.
In July, Lord willing, I plan to travel to London, England. Anyone wanting to schedule a seminar in England should contact me a.s.a.p.
I've been receiving emails asking which conferences I'm speaking at this year. In the past, I went to some conferences as a speaker and some as a vendor, conducting vendor workshops. However, as more parents order materials online rather than at conferences, I have found that it's only cost effective to attend conferences as a speaker. If you are interested in hearing me speak in your area, be sure to contact the planners of the conferences you attend to recommendation my workshops. I am happy to send the planners a copy of my Learning Styles DVD. Many conferences are already planning for 2008 so don't delay. You may think, "I'm no expert. They won't listen to me about who to have speak." But in fact, your recommendations are more powerful than any promotional materials I can send.
Early Adolescence and the Dreamer
Dreamers hit early adolescence early. Their emotional outbursts flare around 10 and 11 as opposed to 13. And by 13, they're asking the really hard questions about eternity, death, etc. If a Dreamer has stopped talking to you by this age, it's time for a major effort to reconnect. Most Dreamers relate better to adults than to peers. Withdrawal or rebellion at this age are not the norm. Unless your child is an extreme introvert, a withdrawn Dreamer usually signals a real problem, not normal adolescence.
Some flares of temper, on the other had, are normal in the teen years. As already mentioned, these are usually worst in the preteen years, rather than the teen years. This is especially true for girls. By age 13, a normal Dreamer who's generally happy might have a few flares a week.
Social unhappiness with peers can lead to more moodiness. Try to make sure that your Dreamer is in enough environments where s/he meets other Dreamers who are affirming. This may be in music or dance classes, community theater, or youth group. You don't want your child around a group of unhappy Dreamers who have no hope or a peer group full of teens who want (or need) to be rescued. Dreamers have a need to be needed that is best met through babysitting or dog sitting, not through peer counseling and heroic rescues of every wounded friend. Help your child see that what lost peers need are good, adult mentors, not just friends.
Q & A
Dear Dr. Spears,
My child scores almost 100% on the dreamer checklist. I first read your book when she was four and even then she scored around 22. My husband and I are both dreamers, both scoring very high in that area, and our other daughter, the youngest is a Creator. With all these dreamers in the house you'd think we as parents would be understanding, but our oldest daughter (who is now 8) has been and continues to be the source of much tension in the family. I don't mean that to sound as condemning toward her as it does, it's just that the majority of arguments, fights, frustrations are usually centered or as a result of interactions with this one child.
I feel like the worst parent on earth as I know I shouldn't yell at her, but that's just what I do, I don't just yell, I explode. I'm getting much better, it only happens now about once every couple of weeks, but it shouldn't happen at all. I know the reason for that is that we try so hard to be positive but then it all just gets too much so we explode (I'm usually the worst one for that) then feel guilty (I'm the worst for that too) so then the cycle begins again. I am a trained parent support worker and believe in using natural consequences, but my daughter doesn't understand consequences, she fees victimized and no matter how much we try and explain it , she really feels wronged most of the time, or argues back (she really gets stuck on her point of view).
S., Australia
Dear S.,
Your problems are all too familiar. When a mom is Dreamer, it's hard to put into practice all the reasonable approaches you know you should use. That's because your sensitive. And it's the ones you care about the most who can hurt you the most.
Children are very gifted at wounding, particularly when they feel wounded. Here are a few things to try to remember as you love your daughter:
1. She has a need to vent her feelings. Her strong emotion may have nothing to do with your relationship or even the events that appear to trigger an outburst. Let her know she can vent her feelings outside or in the basement, but not toward the family.
2. She has a need to be heard. let her know you'll listen to her when she's calm. But be prepared. She may only feel really heard to if you agree with her. And of course, you can't always agree with her 8-year-old viewpoint.
3. Use humor whenever you can. The more she's laughing, the less you're yelling.
Email your questions to: danaspears@springmail.com
FALL 2006 DREAMER NEWSLETTER By Dr. Dana Spears News… Thanks to all those at CLHE in Lawrenceville, GA and PCHSG in
Peachtree City, GA who have recently held seminars. A mother from the west coast has started an online support group
for the parents of Dreamers! The address is http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ParentingDreamers I have just filmed my new Learning Styles Seminar with the help
of a great home school group from Lilburn, Georgia. It will be available soon
on DVD. In the winter, I’m piloting a new program for teens on
making career choices. The first sight will be Konos Academy. This is available
for home school groups, youth groups, and schools. On February 23rd I’ll lead a women’s retreat
for East Cobb Presbyterian Church. On April 18th, I’ll be in
Savannah, GA to speak to the Savannah Home School Support Group. Soon I’ll be sending the DVD of my Learning Styles Seminar
around the country to home school convention planners. Pray that it is well
received. Those wanting to schedule a seminar can email me at danaspears@springmail.com or call
me at 678-481-8842 (and don’t be surprised if a child answers.) A Great Story A mom sent me this email: Yesterday morning (after the hard day we had before), I awoke at I feel guilty for not being able to understand him. We are
so different. I am a realistic; he is a dreamer. He has such
grandiose ideas, always inventing and looking at things from a viewpoint that
is so foreign to me. He is extremely determined and thinks his opinion
is right 100 percent of the time. His teacher last year said when she
would tell him to do something that he didn't agree with, he would
give her a look like, "I really know more than you; I'll
just go along with this to humor you." I know that
look. I asked him one time when he was little, "Why do you do
things I tell you not to do?" He looked at me so seriously and
said, "Mom, I just have to see if you are right." I have
believed since he “was being knitted in my womb” that God has a
very special plan for my son. I have had so many people tell me how
special he is and that they can't wait to see how God is going
to use him. The Institutional
Problem In an institutional model of education, all children are treated “fairly”,
which means exactly alike. Some public schools have even stopped offered
advanced classes for some because it’s “undemocratic”. My
friends from Europe are baffled by the American need to assume that all
students have the same innate abilities. Their system tracks children from a young
age. Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean Dreamers will do better in
a European system. Though the gifted ones may not be quite as bored, they are
likely to be stuck in a non-academic track because they won’t do their homework.
From there, it’s difficult to go on to a University where they are most
likely to thrive. Whatever the institution, unless the classes are very small and
the teacher really is free to individualize, wants to, and knows how, there
can be problems for Dreamers. In a classroom and even in home schooling, the
teacher generally has other students who think, “How come Danny Dreamer
only has to do 5 math problem and Linear Learner Larry has to do 20?”
Individualization will never look fair to students. Even the Dreamer is
likely to say, “Why do I have so many more books to read than Gina?”
Children’s sin natures always remind them that they are being horribly
mistreated. Individualization is essential for Dreamers. In high school, they
may have the ability to select teachers they respect and enjoy. In this way, they
are directing their own individualization. Parents who do put their children
in school need to be sure the school knows and likes them. They have to be
super volunteers and the like so that they can get administrators to listen
about giving Dreamers the right teachers. Because Dreamers lack internal structure, administrators are too
quick to place them with super-organized teachers who have no patience with
Dreamers. Dreamers do poorly with teachers who they think don’t like
them, and structured teachers often don’t like Dreamers. Instead, they
need nurturing teachers with lots of patience and an encouraging motivational
style. Parents trying to home school a Dreamer think, “Oh no! I
don’t have an encouraging style. Am I doing more harm than good?”
I can appreciate that perspective, because I don’t have an encouraging
style either. However, if you’ll be flexible, it will go a long way to
smooth things with your Dreamer child. I’m not quick to praise, but I
can nurture creativity and make the environment rich in books. What’s
your strength with Dreamers? Start there and pray for help in your weak
areas. Like the child in the first story, most Dreamers don’t want to
go back to the institution, even if Mom isn’t flexible. One day a few weeks ago, my daughters and I were rummaging
through the garage for something for a project. My Dreamer turned around and
said, “I’m so glad we don’t go to school.” She loves
the flexibility to work on projects that home schooling affords. Some
Dreamers love going to school too. Usually it’s because of friends. However,
sometimes it’s due to a special teacher who knows how to nurture Dreamers:
A teacher who isn’t institutional, even in an institution. Q & A Hi Dr. Spears, I spoke with you about my 9-year old son at a seminar. I
bought your Dreamer book and have been reading it. I have seen my son
throughout the book. I had to laugh out loud as I was skimming through,
looking for a "how to fix it" list, when I read, "You may
be tempted to read a little about dreamers and then jump ahead to the
specific how-tos. Okay, doers, slow down a minute." My son is a very unusual child. From a baby, he has
always attracted attention. He was very expressive and communicative at
an early age, and has always been "beyond his years." He
relates much better to adults than to children his age. At the age of
2-3, he would look at the grocery store cashier and say, "Mom, why is
that lady sad?" He has always been in tune with people's feelings,
and takes over an hour to tell you about his dream (every detail!) He
is constantly inventing, building, drawing, and reading. After 3 years of Christian school, I just brought him
home this year to home school. I really want to do this, but I am
PULLING MY HAIR OUT! It takes us 5 hours to do math. He is distracted
by EVERY LITTLE THING. If my back is turned, he is doing something else
rather than his work. I have prayed with him, spanked, disciplined, made
him write sentences, etc. He will not do something unless he wants
to. He is brilliant, but so difficult. He has always been very
spiritual and appears to be the perfect child to everyone at church. His
teacher last year really believes he has ADD. She thinks
he just isn't able to concentrate or focus on a task such as handwriting
or math. I am at my wits end. I really want to home school him,
but I'm losing my mind. I am usually opposed to medication unless
absolutely necessary. The thought of putting him on medication scares
me. What do you think? Thank you so much for your time, Darla , Birmingham Dear Darla, If his reading is good, he probably is not ADD. If his reading is
poor, there could be a neurological component. Assuming it's not ADD, remember that Dreamers are very relational. They are usually
faster if you lay down on a bed with them and do math, or sit on the sofa
just as you would to read a book. Select representative problems in math and
have him do those only. For every one he misses, discuss the concepts and
have him do another. Accuracy means he has to do less work. If he
can do the problems in his head, let him. Don't make him write. To me, he sounds more gifted than ADD. Pretest him in all areas
you study. If he already knows something, skip ahead. Do formal schoolwork
for no more than 2 hours a day. Do lots of projects and field trips. Listen
to books on tape in the car or while doing projects. Read books of math
tricks to encourage mental math. When he completes a workbook, give him a
reward. He has no desire to finish anything, especially if he's bored with
the work. He must be rewarded for finishing things because he gets no
internal reward for doing it. Start there. Give it a few weeks and then get back to me with
more questions. Dana Spears Hello Dr. Spears, I read your book
when my daughter was younger child, and had kind of forgotten some features
of the dreamer… Reading your newsletter reminded me… to be
positive with her, despite my sense at times that she has to be able to deal
with the objective world. She is now 18 yrs. old,
on her way to her second year of college. She has felt a call to be a
missionary, and is studying at Nyack College in NY (all 4 grandparents were
missionaries). After having some precious and intimate experiences of hearing
the Lord speak to her as a younger teen, she has more recently (in the last
two years or so) complained much about not feeling God’s love
for her. Her father (also
a dreamer) and I split up about three years ago… He was quite against
her going to a Christian school where she would be “brainwashed”.
She has felt that she cannot share her heart with him anymore, and his
apparent closeness to his lover/partner and her 14 or 15 yr-old daughter has
left her feeling not so special. At school this last year, she was
tempted to date for the sake of feeling loved, as she recognizes, not for the
right reasons. Can you provide
me with any tips on how to help boost her confidence? Anything would be
much appreciated. Blessing to you
and your family, Sarah, Atlanta Dear Sarah Is there a good counselor at her college who could work with her
on her trauma over her relationship with her father? It seems that her
feelings about God are mixed up with her feelings about her father.
Feeling abandoned by her father may have caused her to feel abandoned by God
or in trying to “not feel” her pain, she may have difficulty
feeling anything. She needs someone to help her walk through that pain and
mentor her. Dana Spears Do you have questions? Send your questions to:
danaspears@springmail.com SUMMER 2006 DREAMER
NEWSLETTER
By Dr. I enjoyed
meeting many new friends at the Georgia Home Educators Association meeting in
May! Thanks to all those who attended my workshops or stopped by the booth to
share your experiences. I will be in Many
of you have asked me about speaking to groups in your area. I do try to limit
my schedule due to my own family’s needs. However, if you would like to
have me speak at a support group meeting, teacher training workshop, or at a
church or women’s conference, you can email me the dates and I’ll
see what I can work out. I am available for short talks to groups in the
If
you enjoyed a talk I have given at a home school conference and would like to
see me come as a plenary speaker, you need to let your home school conference
planners know now. Their planning and mine are well underway for many 2007
conferences. Spelling
and Grammar In
my last newsletter, I included some math recommendations from a home school mom,
Jackie. She has also sent me some spelling ideas that I wanted to pass on.
Spelling and math are two of the subjects least liked by Dreamers: This spelling program may not
look like much on the surface, but it really helped turn my non speller into
a speller. There are no words to "learn" or sentences to write, but
they do learn to spell. I have recommended this to several in our home school
group and they have had the same experience. It almost looks too easy. http://www.avko.org/Webstore/Sequential_Spelling.htm A fun book for
teaching/reinforcing grammar is, Commas Are Our Friends. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1882010078/102-9674561-8078527?v=glance&n=283155 In
addition to these ideas, check out the grammar materials from Critical
Thinking Press at www.criticalthinking.com Dreamer
Makes it to the National Spelling Bee Did
you think it was impossible for a Dreamer to qualify for the National
Spelling Bee? Well, this year it happened. Home schooler Emily Eytchison from
the Nashville Area went to This year I used a book with my children called
English from the Roots Up available
at www.cunepress.net
This book was so interesting, I wanted to sit down and read it myself just to
learn the information. This type of information is very helpful on the
vocabulary sections of standardized tests. It is appropriate for school or
home use. We’ve also played a lot of Scrabble to make spelling more fun. Q & A with Dr. Spears Dear Dr. Spears, I have a five year old
and am now reading your book "Strong-Willed Child or
Dreamer?" It sounds just like my daughter. She is always off
in her own world, talking to herself or whoever is in her mind. My
problem is that she gets so upset when i tell her
no. It’s like it's the end of the world. She will start
thrashing about and screaming. I don't think it’s about getting
what she wants as much as it is about not controlling the anger when she
doesn't get what she wants. She’s always saying. "I want to
run away because then I can do what I want." She has these ideas
of how great life would be if she ran away. Or when I say
“No,” she says "You’re mean!" and "You don't
love me!" I feel so overwhelmed. I love her so much. Does
she really think that or is that just an emotional outburst? I end up
being so strict with her or she won't get anything done, will dawdle all day
and will never ever got to sleep at night. What am I doing
wrong? Are you going to have any more conferences?
Thank
you, Stephanie ( Dear Stephanie, Your
experiences are common for moms of Dreamers. I often tell parents that
Dreamers can be the black-hole of the family, sucking up all the energy from
everyone else. They are high-maintenance children who require a lot of subtle
management. They can’t be dominated. They can be encouraged to do the
right thing or face their fears. With a young
child like yours, I would start with a very encouraging approach. You can be
obnoxiously encouraging. Make a big deal of anything she does well or that is
close to what you’ve asked her to do. You may have to praise some very
tiny successes at first. If she
tantrums, walk away. Don’t provide an audience. If it means leaving a
grocery cart full of food in the store, leave it. Tell her she can get
control or you’ll walk to the car together. She can’t stay and
disturb the other shoppers. If she tantrums only at home, go to your room and
lock the door. Tell her you’ll come out when she’s calm. She has
to have a reason to learn to control her temper. When
Dreamers fail to be show gradual improvement in control of their tempers
(it’s never 100%), they may have neurological factors that aren’t
caused in any way by your parenting. If your family has a history of
manic-depression (bipolar disorder), for example, you might want to seek an
assessment from a pediatric neurologist. You may find
that you have more specific questions after you have finished the book. I
have to say that my Dreamer daughter has become a true delight at least 90%
of the time. That’s probably about as pleasant as any of us will ever
be.
Dear Dr. Spears, I recently attended the GHEA convention
and was able to pick up several of your resources (the 4 mini-books on
learning styles and 2 conference CD’s. I have found your material
so interesting and helpful. I discovered for the 1st time I am a
full-fledged So I was hoping that if I describe him
to you a bit, perhaps you'd be so kind to help me figure this out. He is
definitely sensitive, kind, tender-hearted, loves animals, expresses love
freely in words and hugs, etc. I don't really know if I would call him
moody - he is a generally happy kid, but can get upset if I'm harsh with him
- much more so than the girls. Sometimes it takes some work to bring him
around if he's been hurt. He's definitely not a shallow
thinker. However, he doesn't hold a grudge and wants to restore our relationship
after a time of correction/discipline. In terms of play, he loves to create
using Legos, Lincoln Logs, tinker toys...whatever - he loves to build with
any raw materials he can get his hands on. He can spend hours setting
up little army men and re-enacting the Battle of Gettysburg (his favorite
movie). He has always been quick with puzzles, even as a young
toddler. He is gifted in athletics and gets along great with teammates
and peers. He enjoys social time with friends very much and seems
well-liked. He is very conscience of his clothes and wants to wear
what's "cool" (I've learn not to battle in this area because it has
led to some real meltdowns). Academically, he is coming along slower
than average in reading, but is excelling in math (can do it in his head with
ease). He seems to be an auditory learner from what I can tell so
far. He's known his phonics for a while, but still sounds out many words
in his readers. I do a lot of reading aloud to the kids together and he
seems to remember a lot of the details, even days later. He likes to
mimic and re-tell scenes from movies. He doesn't challenge my authority a lot,
but he will lose self-control sometimes (especially with his sisters by
yelling at or pushing them) and he does sometimes use
a disrespectful tone with me when he gets angry. He cannot stand to
be teased. If I raise my voice with him, he gets upset and reminds me
that this is wrong to do. My biggest discipline struggle with Aaron is
fighting with his sisters. When it comes to chores, he is reluctant, but
does just what is necessary to get by. He'd rather play than work (as
most kids, I guess) and lives for break times to run outside. He doesn't seem to care one way or the
other much about schedules, as long as there are plenty of breaks - this is
his big motivator to getting something finished. He can go with the flow
schedule-wise for the most part (unless there's too much work involved
without play breaks). He's neither a thrill seeker nor overly
cautious. He likely to ride bikes, scooters, and skateboards and has had
his share of falls, but doesn't take foolish chances. I know that's a lot of detail that's all
over the board. That's why I'm so confused about his learning
style. Perhaps I'm missing something obvious or reading something in him
wrong. Any insight you could offer would be much appreciated. I look forward to reading more of your
books. I am also passing along information about you and your
resources to a dear friend who has struggled with a Dreamer/AG child through
four years of home schooling. I know it will be a blessing.
Thanks for pursuing your work with an obvious passion.
Sincerely,
Jenny Dear Jenny, In cognitive style, your son sounds like
he’s a Relater (half-way between the AG dreamer and the CL diplomat). I
suspect he is an AG/CG combo learner with an ability to adapt to some linear
demands. In other words, he’s a generally easy and adaptable child
unless he gets too few breaks. His reading issues may be more a result of his
auditory strengths than anything else. Will he sit and listen to books on
tape? Will he let you read to him? Expose him to good literature as much as
you can to help him build his vocabulary.
|
